Disagree without being Disagreeable

"I recently spoke about how, as followers of Christ, we should live peacefully with others who do not share our values or accept the teachings upon which they are based. Following the Savior’s example, we can show loving-kindness and still be firm in the truth by forgoing actions that facilitate or seem to condone what we know to be wrong." (Dallin H. Oaks, Oct 22, 2014) See full talk at "Loving Others and Living with Differences"

Post by Dallin H Oaks.

Dominant, Expressive, Analytical and Amiable

Cross posted from here. Originally from Oct 2008.

In July, I attended a personality seminar run by Persogenics. I have done several personality, self helpy things in my life. Sometimes I get a little wary of this kind of thing. There are a few things I found useful from the seminar.

The workshop focused on improving the communication between people with very different styles. There are four patterns people use to communicate: Dominant, Expressive, Analytical and Amiable. Most people have a primary and secondary way of communicating.

One of the best stories was one the facilitator told of a rafting trip they went on as a company. It was a hoot to hear how the people of the different styles interacted with each other.

The bottom line for me were two things to remember per communication style. One was what the person of the style was to remember. The other was what others could keep in mind when communicating with the person. This is what I remember:

A dominant communicator should remember to ask not tell. Others should remember to take them seriously but not personally.

An expressive communicator should let others know when they are talking out loud. Others should restate what they heard them say. If appropriate, touch them to let them know you understand what they said. Paraphrase, playback.

An analytical communicator should let others know when they are thinking, "Let me think for a moment". Others should give them time (5-10 seconds) after asking them a question.

An amiable communicator should remember to speak up now, sooner is better than later. Others should ask to ask, "May I ask you something?"

This came up for my wife and I last night. It has helped us to avoid misunderstandings. It may help me at work too. It will serve me to remember these lessons.

Do You Think He Will Make You Be Together?

This morning, after I woke up my daughters, one came to me crying because they had fought and hurt each other. After trying to listen and then stopping to listen because their story seemed so long (i am sure i was impatient), I told them this.

Do you think you will be together forever if you don't like each other? Do you think Heavenly Father will make you be together if you don't like each other? Wouldn't that be a punishment? Do you want to be friends? Do you want to grow up and think, "I don't like my sister I will just keep away from her"

At this point my six year old daughter started to cry with real depth. I stopped her by saying, I only want you to remember two words, repent and forgive. All you have to do is repent and forgive. Then I asked her what she needs to do. She went on about forgiving, and I asked what the first word was. She didn't remember right away and I (being impatient) said "it is not a trick, it starts with an r"

I then went on to say that we should ask for forgiveness and forgive. I realized that it was a little tricky for a six year old who was very emotional and talking to an impatient dad. Asking for forgiveness is repenting. Forgiving is repenting from not loving each other as God would. So they are really the same thing.

I hate conflict...to a fault. I avoid it even when it is better to have it out. As I thought about this experience, I thought of an LDS Facebook group I am in. And I thought about the true order of prayer we learn in the temple.

We must be willing to ask for forgiveness and forgive. We must repent and allow others to repent. Let's try to develop relationships of trust. That means we must be trustworthy and be willing to risk trusting others.

There are some pretty diverse opinions in the group. The thing am most sure of is that I do not have the complete vision that God has. I know that I have some things wrong. And that it will remain that way for a looong time. I believe in the doctrine of Christ.

We should all seek for the ideal stated in the explanation of the true order of prayer. I don't expect to reach this ideal in the group, or really in most communities, but if we work toward it, we can create a little Zion right where we are.